What hurts the most
by NaraTemariS2
Summary: Five years after London's destruction Integra thinks about the decision she once made. AxI R


**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, I am just a big fan. I do not own "What hurts the most" Cascada does.**

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_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house, that don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry_

_Every once in a while even though goin on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days  
Every now and again i pretend I'm okay but that's not what gets me_

Integra was watching the sun go down, alone like herself, from the balcony of the new Hellsing's HQ. It was a rainy day, but after five long years the rebuilding of London was almost complete. Everyone seemed to be getting joyful and hopeful again. Everyone, but the young knight. Her face was wet; however it was not because of the rain, but because of the tears she'd been crying ever since she was left alone.

Seras kept asking her if she was ok. And her answer was always positive. After all, what could she possibly say? Confess that almost every single day since that dammed afternoon five years ago, she had awoken in the middle of the night crying out for him? Confess just and how much it hurt for her to walk around the HQ knowing that he won't be there to tease, to talk or to simply watch over her? Confess how much she missed him?

No she'd just have to continue to pretend that she was ok.

_  
What hurts the most, was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watchin you walk away  
Never knowing, what could have been  
And not seein that lovin you  
Is what i was tryin to do_

The worst part was the regret she felt. Why hadn't she said something about her feelings back them? He had offered her a choice right before he went to Brazil, but she said she couldn't. Both of them knew the feelings they had for each other, but she couldn't show them. Her duty towards her organization and country would not allow it. And so she had to see walk in and out of the country biding her greetings and her farewells politely, as would a simple master do toward her mere servant. And yet she had allowed themselves a shown of affection in the middle of the battlefield. That one time.

"_Welcome home count"_

"_I am home countess" _

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere i go  
But i'm doin it  
It's hard to force that smile when i see our old friends and i'm alone  
_

Since that day every time she had to face the ghouls and vampires that were left in London she would remember moments they had fought together. Every single place she draw her weapon and shoot a monster it was like a hole was being put in herself too. After their mission, Seras would notice she was tired and asked her if she was alright. Integra just smiled at her and said she was. The draculina was a even bigger reminder of him.

__

Still harder gettin up, gettin dressed, livin with this regret  
But i know if i could do it over  
I would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken

However, even with the pain inside her chest she couldn't break. She had a job to fulfill. A most important one towards her country, her church and Her Majesty. She would continue to accomplish her job perfectly. But although her determination was strong, not one month passed in which she would not regret having denied him. Every month she would catch herself thinking about what could have happened if she had said yes. _  
_

_What hurts the most, is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watchin you walk away  
Never knowing, what could have been  
And not seein that lovin you  
Is what i was tryin to do_

Sir Hellsing shook her head and turned to go back inside. It was no use wondering these things now. The past was just that, past. It would not come back, nor would it change. She'd have to go on doing the best she could to preserve the name they both had build for the organization. And perhaps allow herself to believe Seras. Allow herself to believe that one day Alucard would return for her, for his master.

_What hurts the most, was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watchin you walk away  
And never knowing, what could have been  
And not seein that lovin you  
Is what i was tryin to do_

_

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_Hi!

This is my first Hellsing fic. I know it's kind of dramatic, but... Ah, I don't know, I was just listening to this song after having watched Hellsing again that I decided to do it.

Anyway, tell me what you think please! ^^


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